Random (but Real!) Statements Made to Me...

(To be updated periodically..)


A fellow co-teacher and I are walking together and chatting, and I see Mr. S close behind. As we turn the corner, I intentionally speed up, so as to avoid having to come in direct contact. Being a man on a mission (and over 6 feet tall), he catches up to us AT THE EXACT moment that I am making a comment to my co-teacher that her habit of helping her farmer parents on the weekend is not "eccentric"--as she puts it--but "very cute." From behind me I suddenly hear him reply: "I.think.YOU.are.very.cute." My co-teacher laughs and, without turning around, I laugh nervously, mutter "thank you," and scurry towards my desk, grateful that it's Friday!


 Adorable, young teacher to me: "You have egg-shape head. My head is like moon. I envy you."

Ah-ha! So somebody in this world thinks that having an egg-shaped head is worthy of envy! Wait until I tell my 6-year old nephew about this! :P




Mrs. C.: "Is it more common to say, 'period pain' or 'menstrual pain'?"
Me: O.O    "Well....you can say either one."
Mrs. C.: (pauses) "Well, I have began taking Korean medicine herbs for menopause a few days ago. Three times per day"

Me: Wonders how my life will be improved as a result of learning such ground-breaking information. "Ooh...Um, so how are they working??"
Mrs. C.: "Oh, very well!" (smiles)





 "Goodbye. I will miss you."

-Said by teeny, tiny, bald, important male figure at my school, in preparation for the coming three-day weekend. He then proceeded to reach down and stick his fingers inside of the small bag that contained the sandwich that I had been eating for lunch, and sniffed his fingers in an attempt to investigate its contents.



Very heavy student approaches me before class.

"Hello, teacher. Today, I have stomach ache. When I get home, I will take a big plop."

 (Proceeds to make a physical gesture of the word "plop" by making a fist and then allowing her hand to go limp.)


Why oh why must I be so cursed as to be born with such a VISUAL mind??? O.o







Mr. S talks to Mrs. C in Korean about everything that we could do on a date. Thankfully, she doesn't translate this time, but unfortunately, I now understand...

Two weeks later...

My co-teacher and I are walking from class, chatting. Mr. S suddenly appears behind us, speaking to said co-teacher in Korean about how pretty/stylish I am. Being the innocent soul that she is, she dutifully translates. Without looking back, I smile nervously, say "thank you," and proceed to speed walk so as to get away from this very annoying man. Dude, you've told me these things in both English and Korean at least 100 times since my arrival. Go awaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.






"Many students have dyed their hair from black to dark brown during summer vacation, but they will have to dye it back or they will get into trouble, because they must all look similar for school uniform."

-Co-teacher. Why even bother having me try to memorize individual names??





"I am worried about my face!!"

-Multiple students' responses after I asked them what their biggest worries were, in reference to the topic of the lesson for that day.





Sirens sound.
Mrs. C: "This is an alarm for us to learn what to do if there is an attack on Korea. It is very likely that if Korea is attacked, it will happen here." Smiles.
Me: O.O
Mrs. C. continues to chat gaily about the weather, completely ignoring the announcement. The students talk amongst themselves, completely apathetic.
Me: "Shouldn't we be listening to the instructions??? What do we do if there's an attack??? "
Mrs. C.: Laughs. "Oh, nooo. Even if it is in Korean, I am not paying attention." Giggles.
Me: But what about the evac...u...ation...   inst....ruct...ions....







"You're ugly."

-Okay, so maybe this wasn't said to me, but it was, however, said to a fellow foreigner with whom I was working at a program for kids. As she was saying goodbye, this was the response that she received from one of the boys as he looked her square in the eyes. The fact that said foreigner is also physically incapable of producing tears makes this all the more sad..







Leaning toward me and whispering: "Frankly speaking, I.don't.give.a.s**t." (Blushes.) "I'm so sorry for saying that!"

-My favorite co-teacher, in reference to a random attack on her launched by Mrs. C. When we met, I told her that she was free to admit her real feelings to me, rather than simply pretending to always be okay, as her culture dictates. Oops!





"I never go to the beach because skin is black with sun. Only stay inside."

-A student, in response to my inquiry about her going to the beach on the weekends. This thinking probably explains the fact that Korean children on the whole have very weak bones, and an abnormal amount of Korean children and adults wear glasses. No sun=no vitamin D!
(Update: this same student recently told me that she went to the beach for summer vacation. Guess she got bored sitting at home!)




Mr.S walks around in a circle, clearly trying to get my attention. I concentrate as hard as possible on reading the unimportant information on my computer screen, so that he'll go away. Fake concentration attempt succeeds, and he walks away slowly. The next day he comes back, more determined. Sits down at the temporarily empty desk next to me, and begins to strike up a CONVERSATION. (A very simple conversation, but a conversation, no less. Yep, he's beginning to learn English, nooooooooo!!!) In his English studies, he's learned some very, uh, interesting phrases. He tells me that he's tired from drinking everyday as a hobby, and then asks me to go on a date with him on Sunday to drink and climb a mountain. Since I can no longer pretend not to understand his advances, I smile nervously, thank him for the offer (so as not to lose face), and tell him that I'm busy on Sunday. (Whether or not I actually am being completely irrelevant!) He smiles and says that it's "okay, because maybe Sunday will rain." I agree eagerly, and then suggest that he try reading books as a new hobby....Yiiiikkkkeeess!





Student: "Teacher, you're very beautiful," (At this point I just smile and shake my head. The level of vanity here FAR surpasses anything I've seen anywhere--including Latin American countries.) "Do you think that Ahseeahn girls are beautiful?"
Me: "Ahseeahn? I don't understand."
Student: "You know, Ahseeahn girls." Student proceeds to pull the corner of her eyes back, then up, then down. "Chinese, Japanese, Korean people."
Me: "Ooooh, Asian girls!" My eyes light up at the opportunity to, alas, give my all-nationalities-are-beautiful-despite-being-different speech. " Students smile with relief.
Different student: "Oh no, I already change my eyes!?"
Me, playfully: "It's okay, but no more surgery on your face, okay?"

I'm not sure if my words will actually deter her, or the other students in that class, from undergoing more cosmetic surgery in the future, but I'm estatic that my opinion was finally solicited by the students on the subject. Sadly, I've met Korean women on multiple occassions (my favorite co-teacher included), who, upon receiving my compliments about their individual beauty, have looked at me with a shocked/sad expression and told me that NO ONE has ever told them that they were attractive. (Interestingly enough, none of the women had ever had cosmetic surgery.) Many of them said that, on the contrary, they were actually told repeatedly that they were ugly, namely by their close family members. Heavy stuff...




Me, cheerfully: "How are you today, class?"
Student: "Teacher, I want DIE!"
Me, thinking about the outrageously high suicide rate here and worried: "Why??"
Student: "Because weather is cloudy today. I WANT DIE!!"
Me, reassuringly: "I'm sure the sun will be out again tomorrow, so you don't need to die!" Smile.
Student: Stares at me blankly and shakes her head slowly, as though I am missing the point.





Mrs. C.: "The weather is very nice today."
Me: "Yes, it is."
Mrs. C.: "I know that you like warm weather."
Me: "Yes, I do."

(10 second pause)

Mrs. C.: "Constipation is the opposite of diarrhea, right?"
Me: (pause) "Yes."

(10 second pause)

Mrs. C.: "Well, you know, lately I've been having some problems with constipation for the last two weeks. I really try and try--"
Me: "Ummm, I'm going to teach you three letters that we use in the United States during situations like this one: TMI."

(I give a thorough explanation of the meaning and use of the phrase and acronym.)

Mrs. C. laughs. "Oh, I see. I am so ashamed. But as you know it is very common to talk about that in Korea."
Me: "I know, but I am not interested in talking about those things, and in the U.S., it is not a common conversation starter. You don't have to be ashamed; you didn't know."
Mrs. C: "Really?? I see..."
Me: O.O "Today's lesson is about food. I like food."







Spoken to me in English: "Let's take a birthday picture!"
Spoken to the Korean teachers, in Korean: "Many people in the United States will think that I am her boyfriend in this picture!"

-A random male Korean teacher whom at first sight looked almost, half-way, sort of, nearly, kind of like a Korean version of Tyson Beckford. Then I caught him at his true angle and his body suddenly took the form of an old, widowed, Russian dairy farmer/ bearer of 30 live births.



"Today is your birthday?? Congratulations!!!"

-Various teachers




"YouTube do.you.want.DIE???!"

-A female student who was a little upset with the fact that YouTube wasn't loading fast enough. When it comes to technology, Koreans don't mess around!!



"Teacher, what are you DOING??!"
Me: "I'm writing the names of your teams on the board."
Student, pleadingly: "Teacher, PLEASE do not use the color red pen to write my name on the board!!"
Me: ???? "What's the problem with red?"
Student: "In Korea, if you write a name in red then the person will DIE!"

I look around to see the affirmative nods of the entire class, including the Korean co-teacher.

Me: "Okay, I understand. So what does writing in blue or black ink mean?"
Students and co-teacher laugh as though thoroughly amused. "Teacher, it means nothing. It is only a pen color."



Student with whom I'm very familiar attempts to place her tea-filled water bottle against my lips. I smile and politely decline.
Student gets annoyed: "OH MY GOD, TEACHER! WHY??"
Me: "Because I am not thirsty right now, but thank you!" Smile.
Student replies, angrily : "Oh my GOD!!!" Stares at me in utter angst and disbelief.


This happens all.the.time. SO much that, most times when some student, or teacher, or random person at the bus stop (not uncommon!) hands me any sort of food I just smile, eat it, and pass the buck to my immune system and God. Koreans get really upset when a person refuses a gift, especially food, given the fact that they were all farmers like 20 years ago ( actually, they prefer not to be told "no" in general), and rather than offend or hurt any feelings (everything is internalized--it can never be that you're really just not hungry at the moment), I just take it. (Now you see the significance of my "Seriousness of Sharing" post. Saying "no" to a well-meaning Korean is no easy task!)




"Teacher, your face is very small!!"
Me: "Ummmm, thanks??"

(I quickly realized that this is considered a HUGE compliment here, as the Korean standard of beauty is "Western" to a point of exaggeration. They all want " the beeg eye, and small pace," or, big eyes and a small face, and it is a prerequisite for beauty, as explained to me by multiple young and middle-aged women. Plastic surgery here is akin to going to the dentist to get a cavity filled. Of course I initially attempted to challenge this thinking, but I soon realized that it was causing more harm than good. Now, I just respond, simply, "I like your face, too" or "Your eyes are also beautiful, without double eyelids." Then I RUN, fast, so as to avoid the inevitable argument about how misplaced my compliments towards them are!)



"I want to go to the United States, but I am very scared, because the news says that Americans have many guns everywhere, so I do not want to get shot."
-A middle-aged man with whom I was conversing.

Well, there you have it, folks...




"My son is easily humiliated."

 -My favorite co-teacher, in reference to her 5 year-old son. Me: "Noooooo! Lady, please, please, pleeease STOP conditioning your children to be so easily 'humiliated,' lest anyone who ever encounters them as adults have to walk on perpetual eggshells so as to avoid hurting their feelings, a.k.a losing 'face'!!"

Okay, so I didn't really say that, but oh how I wanted to!




"Drink and DIE!!!"

Nope, not a public service announcement, nor an insult. Just something that a new Korean girl (with excellent English) that I met said to me within 5 minutes of my meeting her.

(Yeah...I think I'm just gonna stick with the good, old-fashioned "Carpe Diem." Thanks though!)



Student interrupts lesson: "Teacher, OH MY GOD!!"
I stop teaching and swirl around to face student: "What's wrong??"
Student, looking with eyes wide open: "Your HEAD is so SMALL!?"
I look confused, and slowly begin to examine my head with my hands. With a straight face, I reply: "Oookay. What does that mean?"
Student angrily replies: "Oh my God, I want small head. My head is so beeg!"
I smile, sigh and tell her that her head is fine. She argues that it is indeed, not. I resume my explanation of the future tense..

(For the record, my head has NEVER been referred to as small. Ever. Ever. Ever.)



I am having an enjoyable (not so easy to come by!) conversation with my "secret" co-teacher (see other post, A Tale of Two Obsessions). She abruptly stops speaking and starts smiling from ear-to-ear. I notice that she is no longer looking me in the eyes, but looking above my eyes.
Me: "What's wrong??"
Her: "You have a quite good forehead. In Korean culture foreheads are important. My mother says that a woman's forehead is her most important feature. My forehead is not good, only so-so. My daughter's forehead protrudes, and my son is only 5 but he tells her that she looks strange. This means that you are lucky."
Me: O.o



Large group of students are huddling in the shade under a very small tree during an emergency drill. I ask what they are attempting to hide from.
Student screams, "Ahh, because teacher, I hate black skin! No, white skin, white skin, I LOVE YOOOU!!" (Calms down.) "But black skin, very SEXY" and proceeds to make a gesture of a woman with an hour-glass figure, followed by a thumbs-up gesture in my direction.
Me: O.o


While attending one of the infamous Korean school dinners, I notice that everyone is getting what the youngins in the States would call, ahem...wasted. Suddenly, Mr. S (see "A Tale of Two Obsessions" post) yells my name, pats his chest rapidly and says, "I am single!"
Me, embarassed: "You are not single."
Mr. S.: "Yes, I am!!"
Mr. S' superior (the same man who smiled as Mr. S. sang to me): "He is playboy. And I am playboy."
Me: Instinctively bury my face in my co-teachers jacket, the only place where I feel safe..

(Same school dinner.)
Random male teacher yells my name: "Hey! Let's do love shot!"
(Love shot=twisting your arm around another person's prior to drinking.)



Mr. S' superior whispers: "I want you to stay in Korean forever, and I can help you."



Mrs. C (if you haven't already, just read "A Tale of Two Obsessions" already! lol) attempts to call me early on a Saturday morning while I am sleeping in. I call her back later to inquire about her motive for calling me.
Mrs. C.: "Hiiiiiiii."
Me: "You called me earlier?"
Mrs. C.: "Oh, yes, but you didn't answer, and I am very sad."
Me: "Oh yeah. I was unavailable at the time. Do you need something?"
Mrs. C. laughs. "Noo, I only called because I was thinking about you as I took a walk along the riverside. It always makes me think about you."
Me: "Really? That's very nice, but why? We have never taken a walk along the riverside together?"
Mrs. C. laughs. "I always think about you."
Me: O.O



After the what happened at the infamous school dinner (other post), we have a staff picnic. Mr. S' superior gestures toward his own boss, another important (male) figure in the school (This is Mr. CC!!) who, at the moment, is handing me a cucumber slice dipped in red pepper paste, and says, "He's hot. He's hot for you!" Important male figure smiles shyly and walks away. This "woman of color" is now color-less.



Me: Whistling (so as to avoid having to actually converse while walking)
Mrs. C., dreamily: "When you whistle, you sound like a little bird..."
Me: O.o  (I'm not even that good a whistler...)



"I think that you have many talents. Because you are good at whistling and riding bike."
-Mrs. C.


I compliment a young, cute teacher on her hair, which really does look nice. (Nothing fancy, of course. Simple blow-out).
Her: Laughs hysterically, covers her mouth and points toward me, mockingly. (Speaks next to no English.)
Me: ??????
Her: "I think you need glasses! My hair is FAIL!" Proceeds to laugh hysterically as though something is wrong with me.
Me: O.o ???????